Working Through Grief

• Death of a loved one
• Miscarriage
• Divorce or separation
• Death of a pet
• Learning you have an illness or disability
• Loss of property
• End of a relationship
• Abuse
• Failure to achieve a goal
• Loss of a job
• Financial/bankruptcy

• Circumstances of the loss (Death of a child, parent, spouse, life partner, etc.)
• Sudden death
• Violent death
• Suicide
• Age & life experiences (These can affect how you understand death or your sense of self)
• Gender (Men and women are often taught different ways to handle their emotions)
• Culture and faith (These can affect your beliefs and responses about death or the ritual choice for honoring someone who has passed)
• Personality (Shy, expressive, thoughtful, outgoing, etc.)

Which of the types and factors listed above - or others you can think of - have impacted your life

Myth: Ignoring the pain will make it go away faster.
Fact: Stuffing emotions causes them to linger. Facing the emotions actively can help bring true healing.

Myth: You need to be strong.
Fact: Feeling alone, scared or sad is a normal reaction to loss. Crying is not a sign of weakness. Being brave to protect others is not necessary.

Myth: You need to cry to be sorry about the loss.
Fact: A normal response to sorrow is crying, but it is not the only response. Those that don't cry feel the loss just as deeply, they just cope and display the sorrow in other manners.

Myth: If you move on that means you have forgotten the one you lost.
Fact: To move on means you are accepting the loss and adjusting to a new life, but keeping the memory with you.

Myth: Others can help you grieve by not asking about your loss.
Fact: People who are grieving want and need to talk about the loss. Bringing up the loss gives an opening for talking. If the mourner appears to not want to talk, don't push, pry or force.

Think about your beliefs. How were you raised to handle stress or strong emotions? What are your beliefs on coping with loss?

• Decrease in weight or sleep
• Increase in weight
• Extreme fatigue
• Nausea
• Prone to colds

What others can you think of?

• Sadness
• Anger
• Shock
• Guilt
• Disbelief
• Fear
• Relief
• Resentment
• Anxiety
• Lonely
• Numbness
• Depression

What others can you think of?

• Feeling empty, hopeless or worthless
• Lack of interest in eating or general activities
• Preoccupation with guilt
• Difficulty sleeping
• Poor memory, concentration or decision making
• Withdrawing

What others can you think of?  Which of the physical, emotional and warning signs listed above describe you?

• Be open with thoughts and feelings. There is no right or wrong way to think or feel about your loss. Don't let others influence your ideas of how you think or feel.
• Express thoughts and feelings; write, talk, draw, cry, get up and move.
• Use your support system. Turn to those you trust and accept your feelings and thoughts. Simply tell them what you need, because many times people want to help but do not know how.

What supports do you feel comfortable sharing with and why? 

• Consider your loved ones wishes (a preplanned funeral, for example)
• Consider writing an obituary
• Light a candle
• Visit a cemetery
• Plant something in a special place
• Host a gathering of close friends and family
• Be active in memorial services and funerals (help plan, say a prayer, read a poem, choose or perform music, display photos or belongings)
• Reflect on the benefits of a funeral (acceptance of death, acknowledging feeling, recalling memories, bringing family/mourners together, feeling a sense of order and peace)

What other symbolic acts, rituals or ceremonies could be comforting?

• Put any regrets into perspective. Evaluate whether your regret is realistic. Remember the good things you did; accept that you did your best. List helpful or important things you did for your loved one.
• Keep memories alive (make a scrapbook, keep a belonging, imagine talking to a loved one, reminisce, share memories)
• Explore continuing a project your loved one started
• Rely on your faith
• Wait on major decisions if able (for example, moving, remarrying, making a job change)
• Explore joining a support group
• Consider helping others (for example, donate time or money)
• Give yourself permission to move on
• Journal
• Write a letter to your loved one
• Write about memories
• Take time for yourself. List interests to explore (hobbies, skills, friendships)

Grief puts a lot of stress on your body.  You need extra care to stay healthy.  Take small steps, even if your energy is low:

• Eat a balanced diet
• Exercise regularly
• Get enough sleep
• Manage stress

These times may include: holidays, birthdays, anniversaries of the loss, wedding anniversaries and seasonal changes.  Grief reactions around these times are normal; you are continuing to heal from the loss.  Try these coping strategies:

• Talking to family
• Straying from tradition (eating out, changing the menu for holiday meals, inviting new people)
• Doing something special in remembrance (buying or make a decoration, dedicating a reading, a song or service at place of worship, taking a trip to a special place, helping others)

What special times or holidays are coming up?
What traditions might be stressful?
What could you change to reduce the stress?
How can you show remembrance of your loved one?

Considering or seeking professional help is not a sign of weakness.  Consider help if you:

• Need reassurance.
• Are having problems at work, in relationships or other areas because of grief.
• Have feelings or thoughts you can't work through.
• Have had signs of depression for two months or more.
• Are experiencing physical symptoms such as sleep problems, body aches or stomach problems.
• Are using or feeling like using drugs or alcohol to cope.
• Have thoughts of suicide or homicide.

• Grief counselor
• Mental health professional
• Psychiatrist
• Physician
• Employee assistance program (EAP)
• Religious affiliation
• Support groups at MedCentral Health System:
• Funeral homes
• National Mental Health America (1-800-969-6642; www.nmha.org)
• American Association of Pastoral Counselors (1-703-385-6967; www.aapc.org)
• National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization (1-800-658-8898; www.nhpco.org)

• Family and friends
• Grief counselor or therapist
• Religious leader
• Health-care provider
• Support groups
• Crisis hotline
• Other important phone numbers